Dream 878 – A Loving Goodbye (for now) to our Precious Zoey
Received on Saturday, January 11, 2025
Communion
Dear Father,
Thank You for another day here! Thank You for my family, my friends and our furry companions. Thank You for the love and care You give, Father. You love us in such a beautiful and deep way that there are no words to adequately describe the measure. You are compassionate and full of grace. God, I now need Your grace in My grief.
Through the years, I have experienced loss. I have lost my parents, relatives, dear friends and animals. It is always bittersweet. The sting of death and the finality of it echoes here. No matter how much we can prepare for the end of the life of someone close to us, there is no predictable way of coping before, during or after the passing.
Grief comes like a sneaker wave off the ocean. It hits suddenly and by surprise and there is no control over the effects. The effects could be short and last only a few minutes or they could last much longer. However, this comes in waves just like the ocean. I have lost many friends and family. Their deaths have made a deep impact on how I live life. The loss of a loved one is a grand ticket of deep self-reflection.
So, how do I continue to live on now that I no longer have this soul here to do life with? Each passing has shaped my spiritual journey. I thought that the loss of my parents was painful or my grandma and grandfather. The loss of various pets over the years has shaken me. However, the pain was not as deep as it could have been and I then went on with my living. In some ways, I then bounced back with relative ease.
However, nothing could have prepared my heart for the passing of Zoey. See, my parents passing hurt. I loved them. While I was closer to my mom, I dreaded conversations with her. Every talk settled back to all of my shortcomings. Individual choices I made to put God first, then my children, then other things, I could hear this in my mom’s voice…
- “You had so much potential, but…”
- “If only you…”
- Or when I was actually achieving my potential: “Well, yes, but you don’t have this or that. It is therefore not something special, really…”
- When I would report to my mom I made the Dean’s List: “Well, great, but your schedule was pretty easy…”
As a result, a phone call with my mother was one in which I was kept prisoner by mistakes I made in the past. She held my feet to the fire on things I said or did when I was seven or eight years old. It was a conditional love relationship.
I loved my mom and longed for her stamp of approval. I waited for something that never came. However, this all changed in the summer of 2015 when she phoned me (in hindsight, she phoned me with an urgency in her voice)…
Mom: “Any chance you could come out for a quick visit?”
Me: “Mom, is everything okay?”
Mom: “Yes. I saw my doctor today. While I was told I have at least another year, could you come now?”
Me: “I don’t know. We are tight right now and I am not sure I should be gone too long.”
Mom: “I understand. Look, I just want you to know something. I am sorry.”
Me: “For what?”
Mom: “Everything. I am sorry. I lied (really, gaslighted) you for years. I know it made you have doubts on what you remember and what I told you. The truth is just too painful. Events and losses are painful, but we must move forward. I moved all of you forward at my pace. Your memories were true. I am sorry for everything I did.”
Me: “Mom, I forgave you a long time ago. Please, it doesn’t matter. I have worked through it. You did what you thought would be best.”
Mom: “I am sorry.”
Me: “I accept your apology, but don’t even think about this anymore.”
I could tell that her husband had just gotten back. I knew that my mom would be uncomfortable talking about this in front of him. I changed the subject.
Me: “Mom, I love you.”
Mom: “Talk to you soon. I love you too.”
She passed away a few weeks after this. With mom, I dreaded our conversations. I didn’t look forward to phone calls or visits. When she left, it took a long time to heal. All of those years were spent with a ‘duck and cover-type of love’. It hurt. I now cling to good memories and the lessons she taught me. I remember recipes she made. I remember her laughter and so many other things.
Then there is our Zoey. Back to my precious Zoey. I have never felt the unconditional love of Jesus here in this realm like this of my little dog. Yes, I do receive this from my children and of course my husband too, but there was something unique about ‘Z’. With Zoey, I had nothing to prove, no achievement to meet and no future goal she expected.
All she lived for was to be with me, near me, love me, comfort me and watch over my routine, my goings in a room and my exits. She was alert, ready and watching. She knew how to mobilize based on our schedule. Any foreigner, human or animal, in our yard, she would alert us. Every single day for almost 16 years, she greeted me with such love and affection…
Zoey was born on December 21, 2008, a Sunday. We first met Zoey when we picked her out at the breeder’s house (on Saturday, January 10, 2009). We brought Zoey into our home in February 2009 near Valentine’s Day. Zoey was my loving shadow until the evening of Thursday, January 9, 2025.
I estimate that she was my constant companion for 5,800 days. I left off for a brief few days here and there when I had to leave on a medical trip. Even when my children had to leave for vacation days, she always remained with me. The following is what a typical day with Zoey looked like even up to a few days ago…
I would hear her barking downstairs. During these last few weeks, I would hear her and say, ‘Thank You, Father, that Zoey lives another day.’ After this, I would wake up. I would normally then leave my bedroom to walk to my devotional area to drop off my tablet. I would not turn my head towards her until I set it down. I would then walk to the stairs leading to the kitchen. When I turned the corner of the stairs, I would see her as she waited for me on high alert.
I would greet her, pet her and my voice would make her so happy and excited. I would then turn on lights as she followed me everywhere. I would then give her a treat and change her water. When I then went to feed the birds, she was right there as I scooped the seed into a tray. She would keep nudging my hand to give her attention first. She then insisted on a peanut or two or three.
I would then give Snigglet and Zoey one of their favorite treats… a peanut butter bacon treat. This treat was only served in the seed preparation area. Zoey would then drop her treat to watch me go outside to feed the birds and squirrels. She would then greet me again at the front door before going back to eat her treat. On occasion, Snigglet would steal this treat from her after Zoey abandoned it.
Zoey would then hang out with me during all of my other daily routines, like preparing supper and preparing an ice water for bed and going up the stairs. She would wait at the base and watch me until she knew I was safe and then she would turn away and go to her bed. My routine with Zoey would then begin again the next morning… until… Well, this quiet home hurts now that she is gone. I look for her and expect her, but she is not here…
She is not studying my making of dinner or following my husband to the barbeque at supper time. She is not at the window waiting for me or at the front door when I come and go. She is not barking at the snowplow in the middle of the night. She is not lying beside me to watch a show. She is not jumping up high in the air at the sight of her leash to go outside.
But more than all of this, her favorite day was Sunday Family Rest Day. This was a day for her when all of her ‘humans’ were accounted for. Tomorrow will be our first Sunday without her ‘making her rounds to make sure all is well’.
I have never been loved like this in my whole life. Even when Zoey was in great pain, she would still light up with a grin when she looked at my face. She was just so happy to see us every day. My husband was the only one she would allow to pick her up – she loved being at our level face to face with us.
Then there was treat time. I would play with her every day for puppy play time. I would try to ‘steal’ her treat and she would bark and growl in an animated (but always friendly) way to get it back. When she got sick of playtime, she would grab the treat and ‘hide out’ where I could not get to her. This was done daily and even on her last day. She was and always will be a puppy at heart.
I just can’t adequately describe the profound effect this dog has had on my life. The whole house, really. My kids, my husband… all of us. However, I was the one who spent the most time with her. Other than my children when they were young, I can’t think of anyone else who spent as much time with her as I did.
Well, You, Father, spent more time with her. Of course, You. You are here with us in every moment of every day. Your Spirit and Voice is in me. As You know, Lord, I have been careful not to worship Zoey as I know that dogs were created by You to serve man, not necessarily man to serve dogs (unless, of course, it is your job, like a vet).
It was a time in our lives where we were in need of a companion and a distraction. We needed laughter, love and joy and then You sent Zoey. 2008 was a heartbreaking year for me. My heart stopped. I ended up in a medical bankruptcy. It was the last time I ever spoke to my dad after he told us to look for a home for me and the kids.
My recovery was slow. The kid’s grandpa died. My younger son was forced to go to the school for troubled youths dealing with trauma without his brother. This was because his older brother left in the summer before and was never returned by their dad. This was only possible because the County had botched our case and reassigned all of my children’s case workers to other counties.
Then on a visit right before Thanksgiving, my younger son was taken over state lines and not returned at the appointed time. It was the biggest legal injustice and I had no help. The police could not help us without a major legal battle and money I no longer had. It was heartbreaking.
It was now just me and my daughter. I hadn’t recovered well from my heart procedure, but I had to stay happy and strong for my daughter so I could eventually have my sons. Here I worked so hard to provide a good home, safe and peaceful with activities and laughter. It never occurred to me that anything like this could happen, especially as a Christian. I had thought I had done everything right.
Anyway, a New Year had begun and it was now January 2009 in Bend OR. I was looking in the classifieds of the newspaper when I saw a photo of a group of Pomchi puppies. The caption read ‘Adopt One for $195’. I had just received a birthday gift from my mom and I had some money set aside from selling a set of tires. By a miracle, I had enough money at a time that I shouldn’t have.
Me: Showing my daughter the picture of the Pomchi puppies. “So, which one?”
My daughter: She was so excited. “Mom, the dark fur one stands out.”
Me: “The one in the middle? Yes, I agree.”
I phoned the number immediately and told the breeder the one we had picked out.
Breeder: “Okay, but I can only hold her for two hours. I am only doing this for you because of your long driving time to get here. However, you must come today.”
My daughter and I quickly fixed ourselves up and headed for Prineville OR. When we arrived, Zoey and my daughter formed an immediate mutual connection. She then continued to visit Zoey until I gave the required payment to the breeder.
Me: “Thank you so much for holding her for us.”
Breeder: “No problem. However, she won’t be ready for pickup until the first week in February as she is still only three weeks old. You can pick her up around Valentine’s Day as she will then have had her second vet visit.”
We were both so excited. She was adorable. We had a new focus and it brought us joy to anticipate her soon arrival. We prayed and prepared.
Breeder: “Oh yes… I should let you know that we have received at least fifteen calls specially asking for the puppy you both chose.”
We felt honored that God had sent her to us. My daughter kept telling her friends that God heard our prayers and sent us help with a new puppy. We decided to call her Zoey as ‘Zoey’ means ‘life’. She would bring us new life after so much sorrow.
We later picked Zoey up one night in February 2009 during a rainstorm. The breeder happened to be in Bend OR delivering a different Pomchi and we agreed to meet her for an impromptu intown delivery of Zoey. After we picked Zoey up, we never looked back. Everyday was a new adventure with our wonderful companion.
Thank You, Father, from the depths of my heart for sending us this little warrior of a dog. She was so kind and loving and still is this way now that she is with You. She was so smiley and loyal. She brought us so much laughter and smiles every single day.
Lord, please help us here. I need You more than ever. We need a rescue because all of us are broken. I know that I will soon be able to write about her final day and the adventures we took her on, but I just can’t right now. My heart is still too sick.
We are all home today and feel such heartache. Memories come in waves and bring us to tears. My daughter has had Zoey for 16 of her 23 years and she is struggling. My son broke down quite a bit last night and the night before. My husband has been quiet.
I was up again this morning before dawn. I got up and sat where her bed used to be. I felt so empty. I then heard You say, ‘Erin, come to Me.’ I got up and prayed on my devotional chair. I then sat in my chair and wept. The whole house was still asleep. I tried to be comforted by Scripture, but I felt only sorrow.
Me: “Father, help me! Lord, please help me!”
Jesus: “Erin, come up!”
He once again spoke to me while I sat in my devotional chair. His Voice was very clear.
Jesus: “Erin, I am here and I am with you. I will never leave you.”
Me: “Lord, my heart hurts so much. If only I could have You hold me. I just feel so lonely.”
Jesus: “I have sent you signs that I am in this. Did you see them?”
Me: “Yes. I got up yesterday morning at 4:41am. I went downstairs and sat down on the dining room floor right where her bed by the window was. There was no sound, no wind, no breathing from Zoey or other Zoey sounds. There was nothing. I stayed there for a while. I had the beginnings of a dream, but woke up. It then came back to me last night, but I am not ready to write it. I am still too crushed.
“I then tried to go back to bed, but instead I told my son I would drive him to work because his car was in the shop. When we were approaching his work, the song ‘Almost Home’ by MercyMe began to play. Neither of us said anything, but I could tell it was getting to us both. A car in front of me had a sticker that said, ‘I love my Chihuahua’. I laughed since Zoey was half Chi.
“The radio host then said, ‘Someone needed to hear this song this morning as they are in pain and suffering. Just remember that sometimes it takes the breaking to find the blessings. Hold on to God, stay open to Him and trust Him in faith. Remember that God is working on something really amazing with you because that is who He is!’
“After I dropped my son off, I drove home. I arrived home to no Zoey greeting me. However, Snigglet came up after she heard me. I gave her a treat and fresh water. She followed me to the seed closet, but this time refused the bacon treat. She just stared at it. When I picked up the seed tray to go outside, she decided to take the treat and follow me. When I feed the birds, I always wave back to Zoey in the window. Out of habit, I did this again, but she was gone.”
Jesus: “I know, but I have given you a dream the last two nights that you have not written down yet.”
Me: “Yes, Lord. I will bring myself to write this down now…
Sub-dream 1 “Following Zoey to the Bridge” begins…
I woke up at night to the sounds of Zoey barking downstairs. She doesn’t stop, so I come down only to see the front door open. I can tell that dawn is just breaking. I see her at the side of our driveway completely young and healthy. She barks at me to come and follow her. I know that she is going to the bridge. Before she gets to the bridge, I force myself to wake up, or You allow this, as I am just not ready for this yet.
Sub-dream 1 over…
Me: “Oh Lord, I am still not ready for this dream. It is too hard. I am sorry. I still feel her near, but I don’t know. It is hard to let go of more after letting go of so much.”
Jesus: “This is why there were very few with Me at the foot of the Cross. All the rest had left. No one could bear it.”
Me: “Lord, what happened to You is unbearable. I am sorry for being such a child here. I find myself grieving my dog more than my parents.”
Jesus: “Erin, I know you are in pain. I know you are mad at Me for answering many of your prayers, but not the one for Zoey’s healing I love her too, Erin. I made her for you. Through her, you learned about the power of unconditional love and selfless service. Through her as a constant in your life, you saw Me daily.
“Zoey was a vessel in which you were instructed to persevere. Every day, morning and evening, you were greeted with the love of a faithful enduring friend. No matter what the world threw at you, she was always there.”
Me: “What about now though? Lord, what do I do now?”
Jesus: “Erin, you press into Me for greater service. Because of Zoey, your family became closer. Your son has engaged again with Me and he has engaged with your daughter. Anger and resentment fled. Instead, humility and grief emptied you so I could fill you. Zoey is with Me. She is My dog that I loaned out to you.”
Me: “Yes, Lord, You are right. I have seen other miracles too. Thank You.”
Jesus: “I promise you that Zoey will be with you again. Next time though, she will speak and you will listen, okay? She will take you for a walk. Don’t worry. Honor her life by living. Her name is Zoey after all. I promise you that you will see her soon and you and your family’s joy, even Snigglet’s joy, will be complete. Soon, Erin.”
Me: “Please, Lord, do not leave us with no Zoey right now. Please help us to get through this.”
Jesus: “I will. I promise you. I sent her. I will not delay in doing good. Your day is coming.”
Me: “Lord, am I in sin if I grieve Zoey even more than I grieved my parents?”
Jesus: “No. One day even this will be reconciled. I did what was best for you right now even though you don’t see it yet. I love you.”
Dream over…
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