Dream 767 – A Purpose even in the Cancer
Received on Sunday, January 14, 2024
Communion
Dear Father,
Thank You for another day! Thank You for all You have done for me and my house. I see Your hand working in all things for the good of all those who love You. I promised many years ago to be honest with You. To be truly honest with You, Father, is difficult because You can determine my last breath. Or if You grow tired of me, You could stop my heart.
Years ago, I poured out on paper everything I thought You would want to hear. I did this to appeal to You so You would turn and bless me, heal my sons and vindicate me. In my journal pages, I poured my heart out with truths about You in Scripture. I wrote these in my ‘Dear God’ letters, all in hopes that You would change my situation. At the time, I was seeing a Christian counselor. I then read all that I had written to You. She was wise and reflected Your heart. Well, Father, she called my bluff…
Counselor: “Erin, stop it. Do not lie to God about how you feel. Don’t mask your true feelings about what God has allowed you to endure with scriptural gibberish that you are struggling to believe. You don’t believe that God has anything good for You. Tell Him the truth. He already knows how you feel in your heart. It is time.”
This was in 2009. We were faced with so many obstacles. My sons were not returned to me at Christmas 2008 as was promised by my enemy to both me and the courts in Oregon. I had no means and no money whatsoever to fight. No one at church believed me except those who were in attendance at my enemy’s trial. I was treated as a crazy woman and was avoided. I was now out of earthly options.
I barely had enough money to keep the power and the gas going. People were taking advantage of my state. Clients were suddenly wanting 50% off my hourly rate and taking full advantage of my weakened position. They sensed that my daughter and I were struggling. My daughter was only 7 years old at the time. Something finally triggered me. I could not sleep. I knelt on the floor and I wept.
I went to my empty journal and I told You the truth about my state. I told You how angry I was at You for destroying me and allowing this evil to come to my sons in 2004 to 2005. The abuse was unfair to us. You then gave my sons over to the abuser because he had more money than me. Do You hate me, God? Did I do something wrong? I repent for hope in something You obviously will not do.
I repent for telling You what I thought You would want to hear. I have done everything I know, to appeal to You. Hello? Are You there? I am knocking, but You refuse to answer. I was better off as a non-Christian. At least I was successful and thought I was having fun. Well, none of this is fun at all. You must hate me. I am disgusted with my stupidity. I am stupid. I have lost my fight. I am sorry. I am tired.
I then saw my counselor the next day. She prayed. I showed her what I had written. The Lord then spoke to her to tell me that ‘to be a good friend of God, you must be truthful. To be His close friend, you must trust Him in all things, even when it seems the darkest.’
Well, I have been mad at You, Father. I am sorry, but I am discouraged. This is a big surgery. I don’t know everything here. However, in the film I was shown (and I have seen so many I know what to expect), there was a golf ball sized mass in the very center of my right kidney. It was as clear as day. There was no disputing this film.
A winter storm and my doctor’s illness kept us from seeing him on Thursday, January 4, 2024. We received the phone call on Wednesday, January 3, 2024 that the doctor needed to go over the results of my CT Test with dye and it was urgent. As we were driving to Houlton ME, we got the call that the doctor had called in sick.
At the time, I knew something was up as his urgency was not normal. Through a series of events, my doctor finally saw me on Thursday, January 11, 2024 with my husband. The doctor spoke to me about some hernias they found. He seemed to be stalling until he finally came out with the bad news.
Main Doctor: Tearing up in his eyes. “Now, your pancreas is clear. This is not the problem. You have cancer of the kidney. You have renal cancer in your right kidney. I am so sorry. I am referring you immediately to a specialist. He will look at this to confirm your prognosis.”
Since I had never seen this particular doctor behave this way before, I knew this was serious. Then he tried to sound encouraging. However, I just knew that he didn’t truly believe what he was saying.
Me: “I am not afraid to die here. I am good. Do not worry.”
We then talked about You, Father, as he is a solid Christian. We left assuring him that everything would be okay. He said he would call us with the next phase. This was at 5:00pm on Thursday, January 11, 2024. He phoned us as we drove up the road.
Main Doctor: “Could you come tomorrow morning at 8:30am before the specialist leaves town after his surgery?”
I agreed and drove up the next morning on Friday, January 12, 2024. The specialist met me at the hospital in scrubs. He cut to the chase.
Specialist: “I looked over the film and this is quite serious. This mass has a 99.5% rate of malignancy. There is urgency to this based on both the size and the density. While we could likely save your kidney if it was growing on the perimeter, it is not. It is directly in the center of your right kidney.”
Me: “That’s fine. Just remove it then. I don’t want to wait.”
Specialist: “This is to be done in Portland ME where they have robotics and less risk. You should hear from the surgical group in Portland ME on Monday, January 15, 2024. I am so sorry to have this news for you. I know kidneys and this here…” He pointed again to the cancer in the film. “…needs to be removed. We need to hope it hasn’t spread. From what I can see, it hasn’t. This is good. I am going to walk you out because I need to make the call and arrangements for this urgent referral.”
Me: “Sure. Okay.”
Specialist: “You are young. We have got this.”
I nodded in agreement. I said goodbye and drove home. When I got home, I began to pack up all my things in my devotional room. I cleared out all distractions. While I have a little more to pack, I took down everything off the walls. For the most part, all that is left is the windows to the outside and my chair and ottoman. It seemed the perfect time to do this.
Father, I will be truthful here… I am not happy. I am sad. I am really sad. However, I know that You know best. I just don’t like it. I have so many surgical scars, it is ridiculous. I have been so sad. I was planning to tag along with my daughter to interview some more Christian artists. We also had hoped to move soon. What are You doing? Father, please help me!
Jesus: “Erin, come up!”
He once again spoke to me while I sat in my devotional chair. His Voice was very clear.
Jesus: “Erin, I am here and I am with you. You are not forgotten nor abandoned by Me. I know you have great expectations and none of these include what ails you. Then instead ask this… how did they discover all of this so quickly unless I caused them to search you for answers? Now, I realize this is difficult to understand, but you already knew you were ill. I had told you this before, but the timing is now right.
“Erin, let Me be God in this and know that I am with you. My favor has not been removed. Since I called you into this battle, I will also fully equip you for it. I will provide for you in this in advance. Your faith will then be strengthened greatly. Now, I know that you are discouraged.”
Me: “Oh Lord, I recently laughed with a friend that I am Your tool.”
Jesus: “Yes, and a useful one to Me. However, you are more than a tool. While you don’t see it now, you are a great army and will be a great harvester of the ready souls that are soon to come. While great is the harvest, few are the harvesters. Just one of Mine will do the work of thousands. I have been preparing My fields and I will soon send the rains in due season. Now, what have I placed upon your heart?”
Me: “I have been packing things up. I have been patching holes in the walls and painting them with fresh paint.”
Jesus: “Yes. You are now preparing for what I am calling you to.”
Me: “Yes. I feel an urgency now to put away the former things. I want to hear from You completely free of distractions.”
Jesus: “I will honor this. Erin, I delight in you. Though you continue to search yourself for a cause to your troubles, you will only need to talk to Me, the God who allowed this for your greater good. I have a purpose in this and, no, this isn’t rooted in sin and punishment. Now, can you trust Me in all of this?”
Me: “Yes, Lord.”
Jesus: “Trials don’t always come to those who you feel could use them. Sometimes they come because I am able to use your trials to show My miracles and My glory through them, understand? Because I have allowed this, I will also provide you with all you will need in this battle. Now, continue on your course. I will complete a good work in you. Be encouraged.”
Dream over…
Previous Dream: http://sparrowcloud9.com/heaven-dreams-interpretations/the-tribulation/excerpt-from-dreams-questions-answered/full-dreams/dream-766/
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